Authentic Connection

Children often say “no” because they don’t feel connected to us. This is a natural instinct that young children have - when they feel like they are being controlled or pressured by someone who they don't feel connected to, their instinct is to push back or shout out “no”. It’s an incredibly powerful moment when a child realises they can say “no” and it has such an effect! They too have feelings and opinions and it’s healthy for them to exercise their ability to say no… but for parents it can be met with frustration, and we need to work hard to not take it personally and fight back. 

Instead see it as a sign that perhaps they are searching for more true meaningful connection with us. Co-operation comes when there’s connection. In this highly distractible world we live in, too often we think we’re connecting but really our mind is on something else. Practise being fully present and available.

What children find disconnecting:

• Busyness, rushing

Question where in your weekly schedule you could pull back and add in some downtime. 

• Feeling coerced or over-controlled by their parent

Pick your battles and let them have more independence and freedom to give things a try.

• Too much stimulation, too many options

Too many choices is overwhelming and leads to decision fatigue. It’s nice to let them have a say but don’t overdo this.

• Too many questions

Can seem like you're not trusting them. If you’re not getting much of a willing response then best leave it for now and choose another time.

• Inconsistency between parents

Definitely a challenge, especially with split or blended families, but you’ve got to work out your parenting non-negotiables and work hard to be on the same page to avoid the confusion experienced by the child. 

• Bribes and rewards

These mean the child has to work to earn your love, time and attention. No-one likes to feel controlled or compelled to do something they don’t really want to do. 

• Distractions e.g. screens

Ditch the cellphone for awhile. Put it on silent or put it in another room so it’s not a barrier between you and your child so often. 

What children find connecting:

• Singing

Make up songs together or sing while they’re doing their teeth or falling asleep.

• Movement and touch

Massage or doing their hair, dancing or swinging together in a hammock.

• Playfulness

Bring that inner child out! Rough and tumble or hide and seek are easy ways that don’t involve any prep. 

• Imagination and magic

Enjoy wondering about things together without giving scientific explanations or needing to know the answer. Experience magical moments through stories and imaginative play. 

• Love and appreciation

Acknowledge all the positive things your child does. Thank them for helping or showing kindness.

• Exaggeration and humour

Don’t take yourself too seriously and have a laugh, share jokes and enjoy funny stories.

• Using the senses

Delight in all the senses; comment on the beautiful smells or the taste of dinner. Make cosy areas to read books together, climb a mountain together at sunrise or sunset.

• Using repetition

Children thrive on predictability. Bring in moments every day where things happen the same way every time.