Battles with Homework
- Leah Corbett
- Sep 18, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 24, 2024
Struggling with homework is a common complaint I hear from parents. The nightly struggle is exhausting for parents and children… you do what you can to get tonight’s lot done only to be met with more tomorrow! Rest assured you are not the only one with this stress and I have some suggestions to make a difference.
First up it’s important to remember it is only homework. Let’s give it some perspective and stay in the present moment - it is just a Tuesday night and it’s just school homework that is causing the stress right now. It is nothing more.
“He needs to learn good habits”.
“I don’t want her to think she can get away with this.”
“He’s lazy.”
“How will they cope with exam preparation or university assignments?”
Too often we jump into the future with these unhelpful thoughts.
Reasons for homework:
1. To practise what they’ve learnt at school.
2. To improve their executive function skills… planning, organising, prioritising, time management and attention.
Emotions and Connection
If homework becomes an argument, a plead and a bribe there is nothing but negative learning happening so you are better off stopping.
“I love you too much to fight with you about homework.” If it’s affecting the relationship it’s absolutely not worth it. “I’m on your team here. I’ve got your back” is the message you want them to hear.
Listen and be present to your child when they’re sharing upsets/issues/annoyance with homework. Let go of whatever the task is and just let them release the feelings.
“Yes it’s hard, yes it’s boring, yes I hear you, you really don’t want to do it.”
Have fun before homework. Get the connection between you and your child BEFORE expecting them to carry on working after school. You’ll know your child’s temperament and what they can cope with after school so be led by your child’s interests and mood in the afternoon.
Surprise them with “You know what… you’ve been working hard all day, let’s do something fun first!”
Then play a quick game together, tell some silly jokes, stand on your head for a minute, or do handstands and cartwheels, throw a ball back and forth fast, read a chapter book, sit and have a chat looking through the Lego catalogue, rough and tumble on the floor, make a simple obstacle course in your backyard or over/under the dining room chairs, anything that is playful and a bit silly or crazy all the better. Before tackling the homework you want to laugh together… connect after the separation of school and work as a loving, supportive parent, and then you can take on the role of homework supervisor.
Best case after this is they will begin their homework. If this happens don’t go back and debrief or say “I told you so, see homework isn’t that bad… Why don’t you just get on with it in the first place?” This feels shaming. They don’t need that kind of talk after. Just smile to yourself and be grateful the homework is complete.
Worst case you will have to encourage them to get started… keep listening for a plan for this.
You can also ask “Is there anything on your mind you’d like to share before starting homework?” Something could really be bothering them so best to get it off their chest.
Put a plan in place
Homework can be overwhelming for many children so you want to take away many of the daily decisions required by making a plan ahead of time. Tell them you no longer want to nag at them about homework, you want to be like a coach. Such questions as:
What are your goals? (What do they really want for school this year, what do they want to focus on? If they can’t think of a ‘goal’ ask - How do you want to feel this term/year?
How are we going to do that?
When should we have ‘homework time’? (Set your child up for success.)
What do you want from me? How can I best support you?
Where would they like to do homework? Anything we need to do to that space to minimise distractions or need headphones etc.
What will we do if the homework plan doesn’t work? (This needs to be driven by your child so they are practising problem solving).
Then check in each week - how are we going with our plan? How are you feeling about how things are going? Adjust the plan if necessary, but celebrate together at the end of the week (what’s working and what you’ve noticed) with a trip to a playground or a hot chocolate at a café.
Other tips…
Make sure they’ve eaten enough and been to the toilet before starting homework. They need to feel physically comfortable.
Ambiguity leads to procrastination so before they get started be sure they understand what is being asked of them.
Discuss how long each part will take? Write it down and they cross it off the list. This is teaching great planning and time management skills.
Break each section down, physically cover (with a piece of paper or book) the questions they’re not working on at the moment.
When they moan and groan, say “Show me the hard part”. Then help them to problem solve.
Make it a bit more fun e.g. flashcards for spelling words and turn it into a playful game.
Praise the process and the effort. Don’t be fixed on the end result, so saying things like “That’s great to see you got your book bag out already” or “Thanks for getting your pencil ready to start your homework sheet.” This is encouraging the development of their executive function skills.
Keep in mind that if they’re having a stuck moment it’s often a sign that they’re feeling overwhelmed. So get in there and offer support.
Doing this does NOT mean they’ll never be able to complete an assignment or a homework task independently.
If they’re not meeting your expectation (or the teacher’s) ask yourself is the expectation reasonable? Arrange a meeting with the teacher if you’re especially concerned but do trust your gut – you know your child better than anyone.
