Sibling Tensions: Turning Disputes into Growth Opportunities

Sibling tension is a typical challenge for many families. While we may not be able to make our children be best friends, we can teach them how to respect and value each other. When managed well, sibling disagreements can help children build essential life skills that benefit all their relationships.

Here are practical strategies for guiding your children through conflicts and fostering a healthier sibling dynamic.

Ensure your children see you respecting and loving them as individuals

Celebrate each child’s unique strengths and don’t compare your kids with each other. This reduces jealousy and competition. Children want to be seen and heard, and feel that they are a valued member of the family. A practical suggestion is to spend quality time with them individually. During this connection time make a comment like “I love this special time we get together - just you and me.”

Let them work through their disagreements

Don’t jump in and rescue them every time they have a squabble. Allow them to collaborate, negotiate and find solutions on their own - “It seems you guys have a problem you need to solve. It’s starting to become a problem for me so what are you going to do?” You may need to provide boundaries and occasional guidance - “I’m happy to share some ideas with you if this behaviour continues.” Remind them that it’s ok to have a different perspective or a different opinion to someone else. 

Set boundaries and follow through

If children don’t comply with small requests like putting away their clothes or emptying the dishwasher, they’re unlikely to listen when you ask them to stop fighting. Setting boundaries and consistently following through on consequences teaches children to take your words seriously. For instance, if fighting drains your energy, connect their behaviour to a natural consequence: “You’ve used up my energy with all this arguing. Now I don’t have the energy to drive you to soccer practice.” This helps children understand that their actions have real-world impacts on others.

Avoid the ‘who started it’ trap

When siblings argue, it’s easy to get bogged down in figuring out who started the fight. But this often leads nowhere - usually, both share some responsibility. Instead of assigning blame, focus on moving forward: “How can you both make this better?”

Teach them to be the sibling they’d want

Encourage your children to think about how they would like to be treated. A simple phrase like “Be the sibling you’d like to have” can inspire empathy and kindness.

Fair doesn’t mean equal

Children often equate fairness with equality, but fairness is about meeting individual needs. For example, one child might need more help with homework, while another thrives independently. Explain that fair treatment isn’t always the same for everyone, but it ensures everyone gets what they need.

Are they emotionally frustrated and taking it out on their sibling? 

Pull back and look at the stressors in your children’s lives. Perhaps they’re overwhelmed and overstimulated and in need of more downtime? Quiet days at home or more time in nature is a great remedy when things have got frazzled.

Sibling rivalry is challenging, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. By celebrating each child’s uniqueness, setting boundaries, and letting them navigate their conflicts, you’re equipping your children with valuable tools for healthy relationships.